Realization
by Zoetjetoch
Summary: A short story about Syed and Christian, written many months ago... before the story line caught up on me... Christian admits to himself what he feels for Syed.
1. Chapter 1

**REALIZATION**

_This short Chryed story I wrote many months ago. Before the "I love you", before the wedding, before the reveal... I wrote it shortly after the blackmail episodes. Christian and Syed found out Lucy is the blackmailer, and Syed confronted her. As a result, she believes that it is Syed who attacked her, and she threatens to go to the police. In Christian's flat, Syed proves to Lucy that he wasn't the attacker. This is a immediate follow-up of that scene._

_Thanks to everyone at WFCTGIO who gave me the courage to post this! It's an absolute first for me... well, there have been many firsts for me lately... The things we do for Chryed... ;-)._

_Reviews and comments are welcome._

Christian let Jay and Lucy out.

Syed felt a short surge of relief going through his body, but strangely it was quickly replaced by a hollow pit deep in his stomach. He moved his hand through his hair, like he always did when he was overwhelmed by a sense of helplessness. He sat down on the couch, hunched forward, his elbows on his knees, his face in his hands and struggled hard to fight back the sudden tears that seemed to come out of nowhere. Behind him, he heard the flat door shut, and Christian's steps moved towards him. He didn't look up.

"Hey" Christian said, his voice warm and kind, just like the soft touch of his hand on Syed's shoulder. "You OK?"  
Still Syed couldn't bring himself to look up. He felt Christian sit down next to him. His hand lovingly stroking the nape of his neck. "Hey Sy"... he said again. "What's wrong? Everything's sorted. You needn't worry anymore".

Syed exhaled, rubbed his hand violently over his face and finally mustered a look in Christian's direction. He saw only kindness in his lover's face, and it nearly brought him back to tears. He turned away, avoiding those loving patient eyes that seemed to see right through him, reading his every thought, looking right into his heart and his soul.  
He fought to swallow away the big fat lump that was stuck in his throat, and finally spoke, hoarsely.. "Nothing's sorted. I just... O God, I just..."  
Suddenly unable to bear Christian's nearness any longer, he jumped up from the couch, and moved away a few steps. He struggled to find his bearings, trying to find the words to explain what was going on inside him.

Christian watched Syed's back, the tension in his shoulders, his jaw working furiously, his hands going through his hair. He recognized the signs, and knew Sy was again at odds with himself. He felt an overwhelming surge of love going through his body, and the nearly physical need to get up, put his strong arms around Syed and kiss away all the dark thoughts and worries that tormented him. But he knew there was nothing he could say or do to help the other man right now. Syed needed to come to terms himself with all the battles in his head.

At last Syed exhaled and turned around. His voice trembled, and his dark moist eyes tried to avoid Christian's. "I don't know who I am anymore... I don't know myself".  
Christian said nothing, just smiled encourageingly. Then suddenly as if a dam had broken, Syed burst into a flood of words

"I'm not an aggressive person, Christian, I hate violence, I hate having arguments, I hate fighting. I can't even kill a spider, for God's sake. It would never, ever, even occur to me to use violence towards another person, let alone a young girl. I'm not one to go round threatening kids. And yet... I stood there in front of her, Lucy... and I could barely hold myself back... I wanted to shake her, scream at her, scare the living daylights out of her... and I literally had to stop myself from slapping her in the face... That's not me, Christian, I don't know that person... I don't know who that is..."

Suddenly exhausted, as if those words had drained every bit of energy out of him, he slumped back down on the couch. Christian reached for his hand, not in the least taken aback by Syed's attempts to draw away from him.  
"_I_ know who you are, Sy" he said kindly. "_I _know who the _real_ Syed is". Syed looked away, unable to hide his emotions. "Don't turn away from me. Please"  
"You are a good person. You're just confused right now. But deep down, you _know_ who you are, you know in your heart who you are, just like I know it. You're the sweetest, kindest man I know". A firm but gentle hand slid beneath Syed's chin, and lifted his face up. "Look at me, Sy" At last their eyes locked. "You're the best person I know". All resistence finally flooded out of Syed, he closed his eyes and leaned into Christian's shoulder. Christian gently put his arms around his frail shoulders and held him close in a comforting embrace. They stayed like that for a while.  
"Thank you" Syed finally managed, his throat tight with emotion. He looked up, and as if leading a life of their own his hands went to Christian's face, and caressed him with the slightest of touches.  
"Stay" Christian said.

Syed sighed. "Oh Christian...I don't know... I'm not sure I can ..."

Christian didn't even blink, just held Syed a little tighter. "OK" he said, bravely hiding the disappointment that almost felt like a physical blow "you decide... As long as you know that I am here for you"

Syed's eyes searched Christian's face, and only found loving patience. With these arms around him, he felt he could conquer the world. Suddenly unafraid, he made a decision and smiled. "I'd love to stay. There's nowhere I'd rather be than right here... with you". He cradled his lover's face in his hands, and gently kissed his lips.

This kiss was different than any other they shared before. This was not just passion, not just heat, not just desire. It was much more than that. The kiss, the tenderness and promise of it, moved Christian to the very core of his being. And he knew Syed felt the same, even if he probably never would admit it. Their chemistry was palpable and the emotions ran like an electric current through their bodies.

Finally their lips parted, and they reluctantly pulled back, still being careful not to let go of each other. Their eyes never left the other's face. They could feel each other's heart beating hard and fast. Christian was grateful he was sitting down, because if he'd been standing, his knees would have buckled with the emotion he felt rushing through him. Syed's hands were still holding his face, and when he finally lowered them, Christian instantly missed the warmth of his touch. Syed cleared his throat, and seemingly embarrassed all of a sudden, he averted his eyes "I do want to stay, Christian" he repeated "but..."

He sighed "You'll laugh".  
"Try me" Christian said, carefully taking Syed's chin, forcing him gently to face him again.  
"I'd love to stay.. but not to... well, you know... I'd just like to be with you, talk with you... not necessarily... you know... I feel ... well,... I'm not really up for it today..."

His voice drifted off... he felt embarrassed. Christian didn't respond. In vain, Syed tried to look away from those kind eyes that seemed to see right through him. How would Christian react to this? Up till now, the main reason for their... what?... affair, had been their unavoidable physical attraction. But he felt different today, he just wanted to be with Christian, feel his presence, his arms around him...

Then a slow smile crossed Christian's face. "You silly boy! Why would I laugh? Of course we can just be together and talk. All night if you want... Sounds like a really good plan to me..." He tenderly brushed away that stubborn lock of hair from Syed's face, and pulled him closer. They sat there for a while, foreheads touching, enjoying their closeness.

Then Syed got up, reaching in his pockets for his mobile and retreated to the kitchen. There was an unspoken understanding between them, Syed would never express the lies, the excuses he told his family or Amira, in front of Christian. As if he didn't want Christian to be part of his deceit... even if he was at the very heart of it. As if it would make this deceit less painful, or less real, if he didn't do it in front of the man he did it for.

Christian watched him go. He stretched, folded his hands behind his head, and sighed. He savoured the feeling of utter joy that went through him, and couldn't help but wonder if Syed too was aware of the significance of what just happened. This felt like a defining moment. Their relationship – even though Syed would never call it that – had slowly, almost unnoticed, moved to a different level. The passion and sexual attraction was still there, of course, unmistakenly and unavoidably – but there was something more going on ... he felt it in his heart, and it filled him with hope. He had first felt it in the aftermath of the beating, when Syed had been there for him, and with quiet determination pulled him through. They'd never been closer, a level of trust and understanding was built between them that he'd never in his life felt before. He'd been lying awake many nights, tossing and turning, wondering what it meant, what it was his heart was trying to tell him... and finally he had to admit to truth to himself...

He could hear Syed finish the conversation, looked up and saw him come back to the living room.

There he was.  
The man he loved.

Even though he could not tell him, not yet, not in words at least... Sy wasn't ready for his great confession. Or was he?

Syed stood there right next to him, his hands tucked in his back pockets, in that so familiar gesture of helplessness. "I hate lying" he said quietly, "I just hate it"...  
Christian could feel his torment as if it were his own. "Come here" he said. He held out his hand as he spoke, and Syed grasped it firmly, and joined him on the couch.

Christian put his strong arms around Syed, pulled him close and rested his chin on his head. It was as if all the tension left Syed. He sighed, and settled back against the warm body of this gentle man, feeling contented and at peace.


	2. Chapter 2

**_Author's note. Never planned this second chapter, but I was inspired by the boys' return on screen yesterday. Would like to dedicate this to my lovely friends over at DS, who have been marvellous and hae been so encouraging. A big thank you also to a certain someone who's been very generous and made my day yesterday. You know who you are! _**

Syed slowly opened his eyes. The room was dark. Only a small ray of moonlight shone through the crack between the curtains.  
"Where am I?" he wondered in a brief moment of confusion.  
Then realization struck... "I am with Christian".  
And a smile ran over his face. "I am with Christian".  
As he listened to Christian's regular breathing, telling him he was still asleep, a feeling of utter joy spread through Syed's entire body.

He closed his eyes again, and let himself feel... Feel Christian's loving arms enveloping him completely, so strong and yet so gentle. Feel himself curled up against him, feel his head resting on that warm chest. Feel his fingers caress the soft skin of this beautiful man. Feel the slow and steady beating of Christian's heart, and the joyful fluttering in his own.

"What is it this man does to me?" , he asked himself.  
"Just sitting here with him, just his arms around me, and I'm at peace. The whole world could come crashing down, and I wouldn't care. I'd die happy. Because I'm with Christian. There's nowhere else I want to be."

Last night, after their heart-to-heart, Christian had been so kind. The whole blackmail episode had left him so empty and exhausted, he could hardly remember a time when he hadn't been on edge, when he hadn't been scared. And without needing to ask, Christian had known what it was that he needed. As he usually did...  
They'd just sat there locked together on the sofa, and talked... about everything and nothing. But mostly they'd just sat there, in silence. Nothing needed to be said. Just being together was enough.  
There had been no expectations. No passionate kissing, no feverish tearing at each other's clothes, no sizzling melting together of their bodies.

Just holding hands, just Christian's fingers lovingly running through his hair, just Christian's arms around him, just his head on Christian's shoulder... Just holding each other.  
They'd fallen asleep at last, and now, hours later, they were still like that. Just perfectly together.

"What is it this man does to me?" Syed asked himself once more.

He had known for quite a long time before he met Christian that he was attracted to men. But up to that moment, he'd kept it firmy and determinedly under control. Yes, he'd made a few "mistakes" over the years, but had managed to fool himself they were just that... silly on-off mistakes...  
Then Christian had walked into his life, and all that had changed. Christian... with his confidence, and the ease with which he was himself and lived his life. So comfortable within himself. So at peace with the person he was.

Syed had envied him for that.  
From the start, Christian's magnetism had been irrestistable. He'd tried really hard to resist, but it was no use...  
He had wanted to be _like_ him.  
Had wanted to be _around_ him.  
And in the end, he'd just _wanted_ him.

He'd heard of Christian's reputation of course, it was not as if he was very discrete about it himself. He'd smiled at the stories Christian told, but when his mother disapprovingly shook her head at them, he'd obediently disapproved with her.  
Always careful not to let it show. To let it show that all he wanted was be part of that man's life. To be close to him. To bask in his sunlight.  
He knew it wasn't right. He knew his faith didn't allow this kind of thing. He could be Christian's friend, but nothing more. And if he was honest to himself, he knew. He just knew he wanted more.

He fought it. That wanting more. And then he went too far. They had argued, and he'd hurt Christian's feelings. He knew it the moment the words came out of his mouth. He regretted it the second he spoke them. Then every nerve in his body told him to make it up to him.

And he kissed Christian. And Christian kissed him back.  
What happened after that still sent shivers of joy down his spine. Sex with Christian was not just sex, it was making love. It was like that the very first time, and it had been every single time after.  
And again he had fought it, fought against it like a madman, pushing Christian away, drawing him back in, then rejecting him again...

He'd spent so many sleepless nights, tossing, turning, praying, begging, but nothing could take his mind off Christian.

"What is it this man does to me?"  
Syed mentally ticked off the list...  
"I enjoy his company  
and I respect and trust him.  
He is kind and gentle  
and treats me like the man I want to be.  
I feel comfortable and right with him..."

His eyes flew open when it hit him... the passion and the chemistry between them, which could hardly be ignored, hadn't even featured in his top 5.  
"There is so much more than physical attraction between us" he realized, "so much more".

It wasn't the first time he'd reached that conclusion.  
He remembered the exact moment when he'd truly realized it for the first time.

Christian had been beaten up and he'd gone to the police station with him. Relieved that Christian had taken the step to go to the police, he'd had every intention to leave and go home, back to his beautiful fiance and his perfect little life. But as he was looking at Christian walking through that door, he found he just couldn't bring himself to go. He had to stay. Stay there for him. For that man that meant so much to him. And as he stood there waiting, he'd pondered about what all of this meant. Why did it matter so much to him? Why did Christian matter so much to him?

And then it had finally hit him. It was all so simple really.

He'd nearly told Christian, when he walked out of the police station, when he saw his face lighting up realizing he'd been waiting for him. But of course he hadn't. How could he tell him, how could he put it in words, when he could barely believe it himself?

When he knew he couldn't feel this. Shouldn't feel this. It couldn't be true.

But it was true... and every day that followed he'd felt the feeling grow stronger. When Christian broke down and was afraid to leave his flat. All the time when he was looking out for him, being there for him, holding his hand, and just quietly listening to his fears. When he'd managed to get him out of that miserable state, when he'd got him smiling again, brought him back to his usual self.

And then when the tables were turned, and he himself had been so afraid, so afraid of their secret coming out, and Christian had been there for him, so strong, so kind, his rock. He'd felt it then. That feeling that he wasn't supposed to feel.

And so he still fought it. With all his might.  
He couldn't feel this. He wasn't allowed to. He mustn't.

But fighting it was futile.  
When just a smile from Christian made his heart sing.  
When just a word from him made him smile.  
When just a touch lifted his spirits and sent shivers down his spine.

Fighting it was futile.

So now, as daylight slowly broke and the sun began to fill the room, Syed felt all his doubts disolve like the shadows of the night. Here he was, in Christian's arms. The only place he wanted to be. Happier and more at peace than he had ever felt in his entire life.  
"What's the use of fighting when all I want is... this?" he thought.

He carefully lifted his head and watched the other man smiling in his sleep. He drank in his beautiful features like it was the last time he'd lay eyes on him. Then he couldn't resist any longer. Slowly he untangled an arm from Christian's tight embrace, and with the slightest of touches, he caressed that precious face.

"I love you" he said.

It was barely a whisper, only a breath really... and even if Christian had been awake, he would probably not have heard him.

"I love you, Christian"

He knew Christian didn't hear him, and it was better that way. He wasn't sure he would ever be able to say it out loud.

As a lone tear of joy meandered down his face, he slowly bowed his head and placed a feathery light kiss on Christian's lips. He then settled back into Superman's embrace. He closed his eyes, and smiled.


End file.
